Humour, adventurousness, sweetness, goodness, playfulness, humility, and wisdom

I’ve just realised, that someone I would call a soulmate, would know how to communicate with my mum.

My mum, as I’ve mentioned, has always had some undiagnosed diminished capacity, and she can be temperamental, but she is also full of sweetness.

And I’ve just realised, that I could judge the quality of the object of a crush, by how much I believe they would know how to make my mum happy, in spite of her different way of communicating.

I’ve just reflected back on how I think all the crushes I’ve had over the course of my life, thus far, would’ve behaved with my mum, had they met her, and I’m realising, that that would’ve been all I would’ve needed, to’ve known whether any of them, could’ve been someone I would’ve enjoyed devoting my life to.

I’m sure this epiphany arrives too late. My mum’s health isn’t great, and I don’t know, given everything I’ve suffered since my accident, whether life would even be worthwhile for me without my mum.

Additionally, it is unlikely I will fall in mutual crush anytime soon, given everything else going wrong in my life that I’m trying to fix, and given how infrequently I fall in crush.

But yes, I’ve just realised, that out of all the (real life – as opposed to celebrity) crushes I’ve ever had, that there have, thus far, only been two, who I think would’ve known how to interact with my mum. Only two who I believe would’ve possessed that unique marriage of sweetness, wisdom, and humility, that is necessary to know how to communicate with people of all kinds. Both of those crushes had senses of humour and adventure, and I think that’s also why I feel they would’ve known how to communicate with my mum, had they ever met her. I was never with either of them, nor with anyone else for that matter, but I still find it interesting, to come to this realisation now. This criteria in these questions: “Would the crush know how to make my mum smile? Would the crush truly cherish my mum in spite of her issues?”

I think that what was common about the two objects of those crushes had been their senses of humour, adventurousness, sweetness, goodness, playfulness, humility, and wisdom. 

I think this realisation, this criteria: “Would they love my mum, and know how to make her happy?”, would be the most useful filter, had I still any hope of ever finding a soulmate.

I know that right now, my life is in far too much of a state for me to be able to invest enough of myself into what would be my first, and hopefully last, relationship. And I don’t know if I will ever fix my life sufficiently for being in love to seem more than an unattainable dream. And yet, for some reason, I feel grateful for this realisation. As though this new question: “Would they love my mum? Would they instinctively know how to make her happy?” has become my new measure of how much of my heart I could give, either in friendship, or in love, to any human I may meet, from now on.