Yesterday, I felt so low, and as the day progressed, that feeling got worse.
I had so much on my mind last night, I barely slept, so Abu and I came out especially early, and I’ve come to the place I’ve started coming to lately, where I find it easier to concentrate on my thoughts and plans.
I started Abu on the mucolytic medication Bisolvon last night, and again gave him some this morning, in the hopes it will help his cough. Even though Abu doesn’t appear to have excess mucus from his nose, I thought it would be worth a try, as the drug has helped other dogs with coughs from various respiratory conditions, and the vets also thought it would be worth at try. Lately, Abu has been coughing himself awake in the middle of the night, and then again in the morning. Last night he didn’t cough himself awake, and I was up before him this morning, so he didn’t have the chance to cough himself awake this morning. But I really hope the fact that he didn’t cough himself awake in the middle of last night, is a sign that this medication might help with his cough, granted it’s far too early to tell. The vets suspect Abu has tracheal collapse, and even though there is little reason to believe that a mucolytic would diminish the symptoms of tracheal collapse, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the medicine might still somehow reduce the frequency and intensity of his coughs, until, if and when, Abu has a bronchoscopy, to investigate his cough further.
Since Abu and I have come out, to the place where I find I’ve been able to concentrate better lately, I’ve been writing down some thoughts about the project I mentioned in yesterday’s post, that I’d been working on with someone, with regards to my personal life. Yesterday, I felt that the project would never be completed, or that, it would not be completed to a state I would be happy with, despite all my efforts into it so far. I felt helpless about it. This morning, I’ve understood what matters most to me in that project, and I’ve started writing down those things, to send to the woman helping me with it. This process has helped give me some feeling of hope and control again. It will take some time for me to finish preparing the document I want to send her, but I’m grateful to’ve made a start on it, as yesterday, I truly felt helpless about the whole situation.
I really hope I can complete that personal project sooner rather than later, as it’s been getting in the way of my musical projects. It’s hard to explain, but it’s to do with writing about, in some detail, the things that matter to me, and I suppose the idea is to help me feel more in control of my life as result of completing that project. I hope I complete it soon. I want to get back to my music, and that has already been too delayed by other issues.
So yes, this morning I’m feeling better than I did yesterday. Yesterday, it felt like there was a weight pushing down on my mood all day, and that that weight got heavier throughout the day, it was horrible. It has definitely helped to start this morning by working on a project that I felt I’d lost control over yesterday.
I hope I’ll soon complete the document I’ve just started working on this morning, about the personal project, so that I can send it off to the woman helping me with it, and that we can, I hope, find a middle ground, about how to help me organise all these thoughts about my life, in a way that will best help me feel more in control of it. It’s hard to explain, but I do need the help of this woman with the project. I hope to write more about the project here at some point. I don’t mean to be mysterious, it’s just that, until it’s completed, I don’t feel comfortable talking about it. So at some point I hope to clarify what I’ve been on about in both yesterday’s and this morning’s post. It’s not a particularly interesting or significant project either way, so you’re missing out on nothing by my not going into its details just yet. It’s more about helping me manage my anxiety than anything. I’d managed not to write anything about that personal project on this site prior to yesterday’s post, but it was so much at the centre of why I was feeling helpless yesterday, that I felt I had to refer to it.
Anyway, I hope I can stay positive today. I have been really trying at life in recent weeks. It has been so hard, but I have been so strong recently. I hope I can find a way.
LYNA GALLIARA 