In this post I want to take back a lot of the criticisms I made of others in the post I wrote and published last night.
Last night I was feeling very low. I’ve noticed that in the evenings and nights the depression is often at its worst these days. I think this might have something to do with it being less easy to distract myself with tasks or distractions that I can do whilst out and about, in the day time. I think it’s also possibly because in the evenings and nights I find myself trapped in my own company, with my own thoughts, more than ever. Maybe it even has something to do with UV light, though I wouldn’t place my bets on that, given that the evenings and nights used to be my favourite time of day prior to my accident and its resulting depression.
There are a lot of things troubling me these days, and last night I was feeling overwhelmed by them again. I couldn’t sleep for the guilt I felt at not having accomplished more sooner. I felt guilty for the situation I find myself in now, this scary, vulnerable situation, that could’ve perhaps been avoided had I not given so much time to a one-way infatuation in 2021.
Anyhow, today I am grateful to say that I’ve felt much better compared with how I felt last night. I went to a short music course on music history and it’s left me feeling uplifted. It was comforting to be around people who were talking about music, it felt healing to learn about music, and to feel my self-study efforts consolidated and re-energised.
Now that my head is in a better place than it’d been last night, I realise that so much of the blame I doled out in last night’s post was misplaced, and I want to take back criticisms, accept responsibility, and apologise.
I shouldn’t blame my neighbours for not making more of an effort to communicate and connect with me. They have their own lives and obligations, and they are not responsible for me. And yes, it’s likely the neighbour whose lodger accidentally tried to open my door, didn’t feel comfortable telling me this on her own, hence her feeling the need to bring my immediate neighbour along with her. And yes, this is probably because of my depression. Some people have not experienced mental health issues themselves, nor in their friends nor family. It was likely that this neighbour is not comfortable around people with mental health issues and this is why she wanted to communicate to me with the assistance of my immediate neighbour.
The neighbour whose lodger attempted to open my door could have communicated the mistake more sensitively, by coming to see me on her own instead of with another neighbour, which I understandably found intimidating. The neighbours could have also been more apologetic in their tone than accusatory, but they no doubt are dealing with their own life issues, and so perhaps this is why they had not thought about that.
It’s not fair of me to think badly of my neighbours for not wanting to get coffee with me. They might simply be too busy to do so, or more likely, they have never experienced mental health issues neither in themselves nor in their family or friends, and therefore they are likely scared about the prospect of communicating with someone who has told them she suffers from depression and anxiety. Or they might not like me for any other reason, which they would also be entitled to doing.
I also want to ensure that it is clear that, with regards to the drummer, the crush I feel guilt about having given so much time to in 2021, and some part of 2022, that as much as I have criticised his character, it is absolutely my own fault that I gave him as much time as I did. As I said, I knew there was no future, in that, from pretty much the start of getting to know him, I knew we would never be in a relationship. And yet I gave my time to him in exchange for brief moments in which I felt I had his approval, his affection, where I felt chemistry with him. I gave so much of my time to him, despite being aware that this person did not have a loving, caring nature. I gave so much of my time to him for these brief moments, these distractions from my situation.
That was my own fault. A month or so ago, feeling sorry for myself, I sent the drummer a long text, criticising him for wasting so much of my time, for taking up so much of the time of someone who he did not equal in his capacity to experience love or empathy. I am glad I sent that message, as it means it is less likely I would ever end up wasting time with him again, as it will likely have offended him, or at least would keep him from trying to hang out with me again. But ultimately, it was wrong of me to put the blame on him. It was my fault entirely for giving him so much of my time. I should not have allowed myself the distraction of wanting his approval, his attention, for a feeling of chemistry I’d sometimes have around him. That was my choice. I should not have chosen that. It was my fault for losing that time, not his.
So yes, I think as it is day time, and as I am now feeling better than I did last night, due to having attended a short class on the history of Western classical music, I am realising that there was a lot of misplaced blame in the post I wrote last night.
They will likely never read my posts, but if they do, I apologise to my neighbours, and even the drummer. They have not done me any wrong. Even the case of the neighbour upstairs who had a leak that damaged my ceiling. It’s hardly their fault that I’m so hard to communicate with, given my email and WhatsApp anxiety. It’s possible that if I was easier to communicate with, they would have already tried to pay me to fix the damage they caused to my hallway ceiling. It probably doesn’t also help that I don’t like letting people into my flat in general, due to my anxiety, and so I haven’t invited those neighbours round to see the damage for themselves, something they would be right to expect to get to do before they could consider paying me to make repairs.
So I apologise again to my neighbours, and even the drummer. They didn’t behave incorrectly. I was just very upset last night. I was feeling alone, sorry for myself, and angry at myself for having chosen so poorly with how I used much of my time in 2021 and 2022.
Also, I take back and apologise for the comment I made about my neighbours being ‘privileged’ and for my referencing of psychological studies that seem to show a negative correlation between wealth and empathy. I should not judge people by their economic background any more than I would want to be judged by my own. The friend I had made at the end of last year, Ludmila, is an example of someone with far more wealth than I expect I will ever possess in life, and yet she was incredibly generous with her time, compassion, gestures, gifts, and invitations. So I also take back that judgement of my neighbours for being ‘privileged’. I think I was more envious than anything when I let myself write about that in last night’s post. I wish I too had got myself into a financially stable situation in life. I was just jealous that I hadn’t also got to a place in life where I could support myself and not worry about money on a day to day basis. So I am sorry for writing that judgemental comment, it was not at all right of me to judge everyone with a more financially secure life as being less empathetic than those with less. There are too many examples of people who are financially secure and who are compassionate and generous.
LYNA GALLIARA 