Stream-of-consciousness post
I’m grateful my Abu seems to be doing okay. I must upload some photos of him as he recovers but I feel too tired to sort each pic’s metadata right now.
I think I’ve got a cold. I think the days of not sleeping, worrying about Abu may have contributed to that, though having said that, I seem to get colds more frequently since my own accident eight years ago.
I took an antidepressant last night, but so far it’s had no effect on me.
I feel so dead inside.
I find myself constantly reminded of where I would be in life right now, in terms of happiness, health, and fulfilment, had my accident not happened.
This morning, as I brushed my teeth, I even caught myself ungratefully thinking that perhaps it would’ve been best if Abu and I had been gone this past Saturday when he sustained his eye injury.
Today I was able to relax enough to be able to read in the cafe with Abu again. Since his injury I’d been unable to do anything but watch him whilst in the cafe, out of worry. I’ve bought myself a bungee-lead, after I thought about how I needed a lead that had some stretch to it to help reduce the chances of this happening in the future, so that any future sudden jolts in Abu’s movements are more likely to be absorbed by his lead than his eyes, and I subsequently learnt that bungee-leads are a thing. A day into its use, I’ve found that having Abu on the bungee-lead helps calm me somewhat whilst I’m out with him.
Abu prematurely managing to open up all save one of the stitches that were supposed to keep the eyelids of his right eye shut for two weeks, has strangely enough also has helped calm me, to now be able to see his eye, to see him looking more normal, to imagine that he can see through that eye, despite not having received confirmation of that from a vet yet (the vet said it would be okay to leave him with his one remaining stitch, assuming he can keep this stitch for the next two weeks, rather than put him under to stitch his eyelids closed again, that his eye currently looks stable enough for that one stitch to suffice in keeping it in place). I’m doing my best to protect the last remaining stitch that’s keeping one corner of his eyelids slightly closed, and I’ve got him a longer cone to wear at home, to stop him from rubbing his eye, through the cone, on furniture. I change to the shorter cone when he goes out, as I’m always keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t scratch his eye through the cone, and also because when he’s out he seems too distracted by what’s going on around him to try scratching his eye that way anyway. Also, the shorter cone allows Abu to do a better job of sniffing surroundings he finds interesting along his walk. And I now make sure to secure his cone sufficiently tightly around his neck so that he doesn’t manage to get it off as he did when he removed his other stitches. I suppose it was good to be able to read in the cafe again. I want to keep learning. Though the more I learn, the more I understand how the lives of great composers and scientists compare to mine, and I feel bad knowing that I never really used whatever gifts I’d been bestowed in life, to the extent that those gifts have long since faded now, for lack of use, for lack of nourishment.
I feel useless. I want to do better but I feel so useless. Sometimes, when I speak with people, they’ll say something polite like: “you sound like an intelligent young lady”. I used to be, but I’m not anymore. My musical gift had given me so much in life, yet I don’t even feel capable of properly sharing that gift anymore, to whatever vastly diminished extent I like to believe it still exists.
I hope things get better. I must try to be grateful for Abu in light of all these thoughts.
I’m grateful he’s here and that so far his eye looks good. I hope he and his eye will be okay.
LYNA GALLIARA 