My darling Abu, whose value in my life I’ve been dwelling on a lot lately, is at the vets today.
This morning he, characteristically, lunged at another dog, in anxious curiosity, and this resulted, due to the pressure of him being pulled back from his lunge by his attached harness and lead, in one of his eyes half-popping out.
It was fucking scary.
No one in the cafe batted an eyelid as I sat on the floor with my dog, frantically calling the vets, loudly reassuring my dog he’d be okay.
Fuck people.
I went to The Montcalm East next door for help and thankfully the wonderful Iqbal got a cab that would get me and Abu to the closest emergency vets open on a Saturday.
The cab had to fiercely brake as one point as one selfish set of parents and their cum trophies stepped in front of us suddenly. I fell badly, gashing my knee, though thankfully protecting Abu.
At the vets I cried for the hours during which they did a pre-op blood test and operation in which they put his eye back into its socket and stitched it in. I was terrified of him not waking from the anaesthesia, him previously having had problems with it. And now that he’s – up until these early post-op moments – survived the procedure I continue to worry he might lose his eye.
I’m grateful Abu survived the anaesthesia, for the procedure at least, though I understand the risk isn’t over yet, and that they’ll need to monitor him overnight. And I know that even if he survives the effects of anaesthesia, he might lose his eye.
I’m back at the flat now. I’ve emailed my dad and big sister Tanya about the situation. I’ve had limited communication with them for the past few months due to my feelings of anxiety and guilt about my long term incompetence in life. I then called my mum and updated her. I’m keeping my mobile on as the vets said they’ll call to update, even though I’ve kept my phone on airport mode for months due to anxiety.
I’m back at the flat and charging the mobile. I need to go to the hospital for myself. When I fell in the cab I badly gashed my knee. I think I’ll need stitches. I want the phone fully charged up before I leave for the hospital in case the vet calls me, and because I know the wait in A&E for my knee will be hours long.
I just rang for my mum again but got through to my sister Tanya instead, who I ended up briefly offloading my emotions onto. Thankfully she was nice and understanding, even though we’ve not always got on in the past, and I’ve always felt sure she’d rather me dead than alive. But I’m grateful she was there for me in this moment, she after all understands the love of dogs, having her own, and I’m sure she loves Abu even if I feel equally sure that she doesn’t love me (not judging her for that love, we all can’t help who we love and don’t love).
Anyhow. I will finish the rest of the beer I bought on the way home to help calm myself, I’ll let the phone charge, then I’ll get to the hospital for my gashed knee.
I don’t know why I’m so bad at life.
I feel tremendous guilt for having let my Abu lunge at dogs all these years, be it in the spirit of what I’ve always thought to be overeager playfulness. I’d never imagined it could lead to this. I pray he survives this, I pray he keeps his eye. It is my fault that his eye moved out of its socket like that. I should have stopped his lunging habit long ago, I should’ve instilled a calmness in him when he’s around dogs. I’d though he’d enjoyed these little lunges. I hope he gets better, if so I will do my best to seek out a dog behaviourist who can help him to feel calmer around dogs so he doesn’t continue to lunge at them. I concede now that it’s more likely his lunging habit comes from a place of fearfulness and anxiousness than that overeagerness I long ascribed it.
I’m sorry my darling Abu. Please be okay. I pray you will be okay and keep your eye.
You’re my angel. You saved my life. I don’t deserve you.
I asked the vets if I could see him before they put him under for his operation, and I made sure to tell my darling Abu that he’d saved my life.
LYNA GALLIARA 