The music that keeps coming to me makes me want to get better.
Yesterday, I was reading some old diary entries, and although I was only doing so for entries dating back no more than a year ago, doing so proved unexpectedly revealing.
For years now, I seem to have existed with this general belief of: “I’m doing better”. That’s because, I’ve long been in the habit of comparing myself with how I’d been right at the start of my depression, when the depression had been at its most severe. But it’s only when I read these diary entries from but a year ago, yet still with sufficient distance of time to make them readable as though from the perspective of another person, that I see clearly, the issues I still have, and that I begin to understand why, despite feeling like I’ve been putting all this effort in, my life has continued to feel stuck, and often worse: unravelling into an ever-increasingly chaotic state.
I think one reason why my life’s felt stuck for so long is that, I’ve grown so accustomed to some of the mental and physical health issues I’ve been living with, that I almost forget they’re there, and in this way I’ve become almost blind to how they near-constantly impact my plans, now that I even try to make plans again.
I think another reason, is that years and years of living with a chaotic state of mind, leaves behind its own additional trails of chaos, and so, whilst I might be making enough of an effort to be moving forward one step each day, those lingering trails of chaos are usually moving back other aspects of my life five steps on each of those same days.
But I’m trying, I want to get on my feet again, because the music keeps telling me that I’m beautiful in spite of everything I’ve been through, and because the excitement of getting to share my projects also seems enough of a reason. And because I want to be there for my parents. And because I know my dog Abu needs me, be it that I’ve told myself countless times that anyone could replace me for him. Deep down I know that’s not true. I know that after the time he’s spent with me, he has a special bond of love and trust with me, and that he needs me. I don’t want to let him down. But I wouldn’t have the strength to even think about the latter two points – my parents and Abu – i.e. being there for others, had it not been for the music giving me the energy to try again, the music that makes me feel beautiful again, the music that makes me excited again.
As always, thank you Music. And thank you to those who’ve shown me patience and understanding in spite of my chaos.
LYNA GALLIARA 