I was just lost in ridiculous naive high hopes of some day being loved when it occurred to me…
I suppose it is asking a lot to expect any guy to get over the weirdness of my online writing habits. I expect that once the crush discovers it – even though I’ve already told him I do it, but once he actually sees it – any hopes I had about him will be dashed.
I’ve tried to tell him basically everything that’s online in person, so there’re no secrets he might subsequently find online. In fact, writing online has prompted me to be honest in person, for that actual reason. So that nothing is then ‘discovered’.
I find I still need to write out my thoughts to help me with my depression. And I still feel the need to do that online, because it helps me, this idea of there being people who are ‘with me’ through it. So I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised if a guy won’t like that. I shall have to accept that in that case. The writing has become a crutch. I need it. It helps me too much to quit it. It’s the consoling, encouraging, understanding, patient friend I need. It helps me untangle thoughts, even though thoughts will sometimes become more tangled during these attempts to untangle them.
This is why I often think, that the only kind of guy that could ever feasibly be my soulmate would be a (good) comedian. Good comedians try to live their lives with one face. They live their philosophies out. Their values and their private lives are such fundamental parts of their work, that any attempt to hide those aspects would hint at dishonesty. They strive to be truthful even when it will offend. They’re like rockstar philosophers. Again, these are the good ones I’m talking about. But yes, I think I need someone who strives to live as who they truly are at all times, and I think that quality is most commonly found in the rarity that are good comedians. Which means basically, that I’m fucked, romantic prospects-wise.
It’s asking a lot for the current crush to like me, with me not being a jew, let alone anything else. I suppose I know nothing can ever really come of it. But I’m enjoying him letting me feel special around him, for however long that lasts. I’m enjoying this adventure.
I mean if it ever worked out, which seems ridiculously unlikely, it’d only be because the opposite parts of ourselves would’ve somehow found a way of being at peace with each other. There are tons of things we have opposing views about, even though we share music as a passion. I suppose we also share the habit of putting a lot of thought into what matters to us and how we want to live. I really like that part of him. How he lives to his own beat. Well, his beat and his rabbi’s beat – as I’ve now come to learn.
I’ve kept telling myself that there’d be no point if he’s just stringing me along like some plaything till he finds some nice musical virtuoso jewish girl. But I dunno. Maybe I should just enjoy this. Cos it’s so rare that I like someone, and he doesn’t mind me being around him. Even yesterday, when I was saying bye, he was saying I should come hang out more. Maybe I should just do as Bill Withers says and let him use me up. I dunno.
It’s just nice to feel, foolishly, happy for once.
But yes, I suppose, when he inevitably sees this weird site, my weird Twitter, and my weird Instagram, he might tell me not to walk within a 5 mile radius of him.
And then he shall get with some nice musical virtuoso jewish girl.
And then I shall go back to hoping that there’s some good comedian out there waiting for me.
Anyway. The point of this post is, I’ve concluded that: I shall continue writing here, and if a romantic interest ever tells me he doesn’t like it, I shall choose my writing over him. It’s just too important to me. It helps me so much.
LYNA GALLIARA 