I’m thinking about how I only ever get as far as the crush stage.
In the past, being so focused on my music, I didn’t want to be with anyone. I didn’t have the time, I had to catch up on lost years. Every ounce of thought and effort went to music.
But since the depression I’ve become the cliche of wanting to find answers in someone else.
Sometimes I tell myself that I’ve a better idea of romance because I’ve never lived to see its illusion shattered. Then I read a Stephen King novel that describes enduring love in a middle aged married couple and think maybe my ideas of romance are naive and cheap in comparison.
I think I will tell The Saint how I feel if only cos I feel like a creep seeing him around but not telling him. After today, I feel certain he’s not into me, but I wonder if he’d let me hang out anyway, platonically. I just find him intriguing.
As I’m closed off to internet communication, I don’t do dating apps or interactive social media, and in fact I’ve been too fragile during most of the depression to think about more than just my own efforts to keep surviving. I guess I’ve recovered enough, be it for however long, to start feeling affectionate about others again.
I dunno. It’s hard to make good decisions anymore. To be rational. The person I was before my accident would never be in the situation where her life is falling apart all around her but she’s finding the time to write copious thoughts and poems about crushes on strangers.
Kinda wish I was dead right now. Quite a change from the euphoric other day. It’s hard to be a functioning person. Someone called to assess me for therapy today and her lack of sympathy hasn’t helped me feel better either. After I described the many problems I still have, she asked me which one I wanted to fix. She didn’t grasp that all my problems stem from depression.
I hope I could at least do better at sharing my music more regularly. And it would be nice to finally sign to a label. I really hope I can sign to a label this year. Earlier in my depression I hadn’t felt ready to, but so much music has come my way lately, that I feel, despite all that I’ve gone through with my depression, and my current problems, it would be a good time to.
LYNA GALLIARA 