“Bother me, tell me awful things”
– Lil Peep
I remember, times of being so wrapped up in the awe of individuals, even and especially during depression, that as a result, I’d feel truly alive. I think that’s the next best thing to being happy, when you’re just so completely wrapped up in the admiration of someone.
This year I’ve felt stranded in apathy again. I suppose the coughing episodes of late can’t have helped much with my mood, and will’ve tended to limit the scope of my thoughts to survival. A good friend once told me that they believed the ideal state to be one of awe, and I’m realising tonight, that perhaps this is true. I suppose it is at least a far safer thing, to endure a state of awe as compared with one of happiness, as you risk experiencing a come down off of happiness, but you can’t when it comes to awe.
Tonight I feel grateful for all the people I’ve admired enough that that admiration has at times been enough to remove me from apathy or depression. I remember when I’d read philosophy, feeling that way about Schopenhauer, and I remember feeling that way about Stanhope. I’m trying to rewatch an old Stanhope special tonight, hoping to relive that feeling of awe, though for some reason I’m feeling numb.
It would be good to be able to lose myself to that feeling of awe again. To be saved by it again. But for now I suppose a crush on the mysterious Leland Gaunt, who seems to know what each and every one of his customers needs, and is somehow always able to offer it to them, before I inevitably get to some point in the story where something irreconcilably awful is revealed about him, will have to do as my people-medicine.
LYNA GALLIARA 